🔗 Share this article

As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or being seen, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.